I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
