After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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