My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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