its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
