need another drink. this is the easiest way
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
