I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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