So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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