i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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