she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
