if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
