I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.