I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.