When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying