fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.