THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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