but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
this is an emotional support booty call
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
