I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
