I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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