Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
