Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
