I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
