my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
