I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
