If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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