Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
