Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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