shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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