I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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