You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
