Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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