Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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