I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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