Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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