You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
