Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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