wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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