totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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