The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
