My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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