Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
