Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never underestimate the power of titties
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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