Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
