I heard we made out
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
