Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
