Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
