I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
