I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
