i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
