making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less talking, more tequila
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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