I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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