I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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