what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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