I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
