just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
