OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
