normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
