my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
